Five Superheroes We Can Live Without
- 4 minutes read - 699 wordsThe other day while writing some rather self-pitying notes in my blog book (yes, I handwrite all this rubbish before I go to bed at night!) I came up with some useless superheroes, or rather the only superheroes that a washed-up guy in his early thirties could hope to be. Because I haven’t got any ideas for “five things on the fifth” this month, I decided to flesh out a few of these. Last month I began the five on the fifth meme with five things to try if you can’t sleep and so this is a rather forced attempt to keep it going. I promise that I will try and think of more interesting posts on these lines for months.
I appreciate that this idea is not particularly new, there’s that film Mystery Men (complete with inspired turn from Tom Waits) about a bunch of superheroes who really have no powers at all and of course in Watchmen the superheroes are merely vigilantes. Of course these characters started from me being self-deprecating about myself and my flaws, growing up from there. Without further I introduce you to my washed-up coterie of superhero has-beens.
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The Mighty Groundhog (AKA Revision man or Mr. Hindsight). Special powers: is able to learn from his mistakes; does things over and over again until he gets them right; understands whatever the hell it is that is going on. Cape colour: Royal blue. Weaknesses: A bit boring in bed; highly susceptible to arch nemesis Professor Temptron’s Impulse-o-matic ray.
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Dr. Confidence (AKA Quite-nice-man or The Purple Deserveling). Special powers: aces job interviews and first dates; is able to explain job title and role to strangers without embarassment; can remember names, faces and birthdays of others; doesn’t envy the infinitely more interesting love lives of others; has innate sense of self-worth. Colour of tight superhero spandex leggings: Black. Weaknesses: Can’t drive; somewhat prone to simple traps when Walnut cake is used as bait; fondness for colour purple.
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Bosun Higgs (AKA Cap’n Puntacular). Special powers: shock and awe puns; up to the minute topical levity; great ideas for hashtags on twitter; chat up lines that end with a punch in the face; ability to resist chocolate hobnob biscuits at four thirty on a warm Thursday afternoon; always has a fantastic plastic cutlass ready for International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Colour of superhero helmet: Purple (shush now!). Weaknesses: Funerals; the burning desire to be despicably inappropriate around people in authority; utter lack of knowledge about particle physics that, ironically, would help him understand the puns behind the names of his unknown nemeses.
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Air Conditioning Tolerance Man (AKA Jack Frost Esq. or The Freezle Weasel). Special powers: Able to tolerate air conditioning in a British summer even longer than a sweaty American; has rainbows for flatulence; underarm deodorant is effective for up to seven years after application; can withstand dry nostrils for up to six hours without attempting to extract brain through nose with own index finger. Colour of slightly glittery superhero shoulder pads: Silver. Weaknesses: Begins to melt at temperatures greater than eight degrees centigrade; regards all people who don’t want the air conditioner on as being from a primitive civilisation and tends to patronise them; a little bit withdrawn at parties.
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Mr. Centre (AKA Bobby The Balance or The Middletron). Special powers: Remains calm in the face of rhetoric and propaganda; able to detect someone’s agenda from over fifty paces; can construct life saving devices from office equipment like a health and safety McGuyver. Colour of superhero gloves: Berry red. Weaknesses: Can be weakened by the Daily Mail much in the way that Clark Kent is weakened by Kryptonite; actually not that good at things involving hand-eye co-ordination; terribly ambivalent in relationships and never gets into cathartic arguments; not very good at smiling sincerely in photographs; lightweight when it comes to alcohol.
Well that’s all. For some of them I did have a back story worked out. For example, Bosun Higgs gained his powers when he was accidentally hit by a pun accelerator on “Dress down as a pirate day” while working at CERN, although I am not actually sure what one of those would be for.